Here I am

So it has been over a year since my last blog. There has been a pretty good reason for that, I have been busy. I got a job that I love and have been spending countless hours trying to be the best person I can. We have been renovating the house which is turning out beautiful. I have been spending every spare second with Drew making up for lost time that I know I can never get back, but I am certainly going to try.

The last few months have been pretty rough, but I know my God will see me through. I know my faith in Him is enough and when I am so weak I cannot walk through the shadows of this world, He will carry me. I recently watched the love of my life struggle with the loss of someone he cared for deeply. Even with all of the loss I have experienced, I think it hurt me more to watch him go through this. I felt so useless, clueless, and alone. I said all of the "right" things. The idea of saying "I'm so sorry" or "he's in a better place" still makes my stomach turn. There are no words to completely heal the loss of someone who as truly and deeply loved. The hole will remain in one's heart, indefinitely. When I listened to his wife speak at his funeral, I cried like a baby. Unashamed, uncontrolled, and with pure sadness and sympathy. She told everyone that she knew her husband loved her because he told her everyday, and gave her a kiss every time he left her side. I hope with all of my heart that I can be as strong as her, because she is an amazing woman, wife, mother, and friend. There was nothing I could say to make Drew feel better about the loss of his friend, but her words seemed to heal not only him, but the whole family.

So I've started on my bucket list. Believe it or not, I am writing a novel. I think it is good, but we will have to wait and see. It's nice to be able to write down some of my experiences, dreams, and desires and make it into a love story. Shocking right? I'm writing a love story. I feel like my love life has been the only stable and solid thing over the past 10 years. He's my best friend and true love. We still don't have a baby, but I am finally starting to be okay with it. We know we have to wait on God's time and we will go from there.

Glad to finally update. I'm sure no one is reading, but it is nice to have a place to put my thoughts.

How lucky am I?

Someone from work asked me today what kind of man my husband was. My face immediately went into a huge smile because I know how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life. My first thought was sassy. But then I went on to explain the man I've spent the last 8 years with.

He is intelligent: Even though he doesn't think he is, I know he is smarter than me.

He is funny, and he knows it: I have spent the last 8 years laughing and I don't take one second of that for granted. Without laughter, both of us would be in a seriously dark place. We have been through ups and downs, but through it all, we have laughed.

He is kind: I have never met someone as generous and selfless as Drew. Every day that passes I am surprised by his ability to give to others.

He loves unconditionally, always: I have never felt more special, or more adored than when I am with him. He loves others more than he could ever love himself.

He sees the beauty in things I miss: Sometimes I wish I had the ability to look through his beautiful eyes because I know I would see everything differently. Yes he has bad days, but on the whole his eyes smile as much as his mouth does. I have never seen someone who has the ability to pull something positive out of a situation, even if he is only joking.

He treats me unlike anyone else: There has always been some crazy and extreme expectations placed on my shoulders. Drew treats me like an equal, always asking what I want. What works best for me. He never places crazy amounts of pressure on me. If anything, he keeps me grounded while still encouraging me to be the best possible version of myself.

He loves our dog with everything he has: One of my favorite books is the Harry Potter series (all 7 books). In Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, one of the main characters, Sirius Black tell Harry that the best way to measure someone is to judge how he treats his inferiors, not his equals. I have seen Drew interact with family, friends, children, neighbors, etc. He is always kind. But when I see him with our puppy, my heart melts. I know he loves her, and he would do anything for her. It makes me see the potential in his eyes. I know his is going to be an amazing father, unlike my own. He will protect his family with his life, even his dogs.

He is the most amazing provider: We have spent countless nights apart, and he has spent the following days holding me up when I feel like my legs have given out. He has sacrificed everything to make sure we have the essentials, and that we are able to set up a future.

He never lies to me: I know what you're thinking, of course he lies. Well I am sure he does, we all do. But he never lies about the important stuff. He loves me enough to tell me if a pair of pants makes my ass look big, if my clothes don't match (rainbow brite) and if I am acting like a total tool. He knows he can tell me anything, big or small and because he knows this, I know all of the potentially hurtful things he says are said with love.

He helps out around the house: On top of working crazy hours, balancing two jobs, and sleeping less than 6 hours a night, he still finds time to do laundry, dishes, sweep, walk the dogs, and other important things. While he doesn't typically cook, he is awesome at knowing when to order take out.

All in all, I have to say that I am extremely blessed. I have an amazing husband who also happens to be my best friend. If you are ever wondering if your significant other possesses what it takes to be an amazing spouse, take a look at this list. It may mean nothing to you, but to me, it is everything.

Bucket List

I was reading a good friend of mine's blog and I saw that she created a bucket list (thanks Katie). I've seen the movie, I've mentioned a bucket list before, but I have never actually thought about what would be on my bucket list. I love to travel so I think that most of my bucket list items are going to be along those lines, but I have a few others that surprised me. What do you guys think?

1. Go to Rome - I love art and architecture. I want to see the coliseum, the aqueducts, Constantine's Arch, St. Peter's church, and every sculpture possible.
   
2. Visit Drew's family in Finland
3. Visit my great-grandparent's graves in Ireland and have a drink at an Irish pub for my grandfather.
   
4. Visit a site where a genocide took place (Poland, Rwanda, Cambodia, etc.) Not for any creepy reasons, I just want to pay my respects and hopefully understand that when I look at my life in perspective, I am so small.
   
5. Spend a month in a Spanish speaking country without a translator.
   
6. Learn Finnish
7. Write a novel and try to get it published
8. Travel to any spot in England which inspired JK Rowling to write Harry Potter
9. Read the great Russian and Czech classics
10. Travel across Europe with Drew and our kids so we all learn to appreciate other cultures.
11. Start a non-profit organization for veterans
12. Run a half marathon (come on, even in the best shape I still suck at running)
    
13. Take Drew to Alaska
14. Spend a week in Colorado (re)learning to ski
15. Play in a Women's Hockey league
16. Get into photography
17. Learn to love myself
18. Stop living for me and start living for God.
    

That is what I have so far, I am sure there are others out there.
-JS

I want to be a mom

I know it sounds crazy. Every time someone asked me when Drew and I are having kids, I have always said like 3 to 6 years. Well, it's been 7 years since we started dating, engaged or married for 5. I have always been so focused on school and my career goals, but all of a sudden it hit me. I don't want to be just a student, or just a therapist. Really, I don't want to be anything more than I want to be a mom. And even more than that, I can't imaging being anything more than the loving woman who gets to tell Drew he is going to be a dad.

Sometimes I think about how amazing my dad was. My real father has pretty much done nothing for me my entire life. But my dad more than made up for that. I don't think I would be here without him. He has made me the person that I am, and I love him so much for that. I know that Drew will be just as loving, just as amazing, and loved just as much as my dad.

Drew has given up or sacrificed everything to make sure my dreams come true. Hell, we are 1200 miles apart just so I could be at this program, a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. He has never asked me for anything, never asked me to sacrifice anything for him. I have never had to do anything other than be a student and a wife. But I know that Drew wants a baby, I see it, and I can feel it. I hear the excitement in his voice when we talk about it, and the love in his eyes when he plays with our nephews. I feel like it's time for me to give him something. To really make us a family. To give him everything he has ever wanted.

I want to be a therapist, and for the past 7 years, that is all I have ever wanted. But right now, in this moment, it doesn't seem to mean as much to me. When I close my eyes and think of everything I want, all of my dreams coming true, I see Drew playing ball with our son, and I see him building a doll house for our daughter. I see him shine, literally shine, every time he gets home from work and our kids run to greet him and give him a hug. Right now, it is like nothing else matters. I will complete this degree because I am so close, and I know deep down I want it and need it, but then, I am going to be a mom.

Nothing important to read - but it's positive!

So in the wake of my constant bitching, I think its time for some happiness.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER TOMORROW! I pre-ordered it on amazon ob Blu ray and it was only 20 bucks for the extended blu ray, standard disc, AND a digital copy - pretty freaking awesome!

In other news, I am heading home in a week. I can't wait to see Drew. I know that i'll only be home for four days but it's been almost a month since I've seen my hub - which sucks big time. BUT only 107 days until I'm home for good :)

I got a ton of work done on my thesis today which was nice - makes it feel so real. I can't believe I'm graduating in less than 4 months. Weird. I also finish classes for spring semester in less than 2 weeks. good thing I did so much work in the beginning of the semester - make this time seem so much easier.

Well, I am heading to bed, yay for work tomorrow -

Thanks for reading. Love you.

Seriously? Why can't I be taken seriously?

Okay, so I know I'm not an expert, I understand that I am a student. However, in less than 4 months I will be receiving my Master's degree in PSYCHOLOGY, which means that I will be qualified to give an opinion. A professional opinion at that. Why then, is it that when I say something about a psychological issue, people do not take me seriously or assume I do not know what I am talking about. What do they think I do all day, sit in a classroom with my thumb up my ass. No. Actually, I work like a dog. I kill myself in the classroom so that I can give a professional opinion. Hell, I put myself through grad school is 11 months. HELLO - I think that warrants a little respect - hell I think that warren's a LOT of respect. Obviously I am doing something right. I know that I don't have a ton of life experience, and I am well aware that what happens in a textbook doesn't always happen in real life, however, I am pretty sure that as a soon to be Master's graduate, one can at least take my opinion with a little weight.

Sorry to vent, but I feel like I can't even vent without someone interrupting or questioning how I am feeling...

*sigh* I feel better now, so hopefully I will actually be able to sleep tonight. Oh and I am super excited to get the new Harry Potter dvd Friday. Hello awesome weekend.

Thanks for reading. I know that if you are actually reading the shit I write, you must care about me. Either that or you are a creepy stalker with the screen name 'Watchmewatchu' Maybe you will understand that reference - if not just ask.

Unbroken feelings of brokenness

I know that I shouldn't sit here and pity, but considering the circumstances, maybe letting it out is exactly what I need. I know that I am lucky. I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, a great education, a mom and dad who love me, wonderful siblings who I admire and adore, a merciful God, and I know exactly what I want in life. But sometimes, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I grew up in a troubled family to say the least. I still have a troubled family, but at least now I can walk away from all of the drama. I've always had issues with my self esteem and image and to this day can't truly love myself. I finally found complete happiness in love, and due to this shitty economy, my husband had to move 1200 miles away to get us through. I feel like I've been beaten and bruised and every time I get my hopes up for a brighter, less chaotic future, something happens and I become even more broken.

Sometimes this brokenness is so much I can barely take it and I end up depressed and in agony. Other times, I seem to thrive on being broken and knowing I can rise from the ashes to be a better person.

Lately, the one thing that has been getting me through is the idea of becoming a mom. I have a lot in my life, and I am very proud of my accomplishments, especially my education and career goals. I want to become a psychologist, I want to help people, I've always known it. But the one thing I want more than anything in life is to be a mom. I feel like I have become so robotic in my daily activities that everything I am accomplishing is meaningless unless I have a family to share it with. I feel like I can have everything, money, a great job, education, etc, but the only thing I want is to have a family with Drew.

I know he will eventually be an amazing dad. He is the best, more selfless person I have ever know. Every day I thank God for blessing me with someone who cares so much for other people. In the last seven years, I have watched Drew grow into an amazing man. Sometimes, I don't even think he knows how wonderful he truly is. I see the way other people look at him, look up to him, and he is so humble, he doesn't even notice. His compassion and love is overwhelming and untouched. I have never met someone who loves so deeply, so purely, and never expects anything in return, not even from me. When we were home last, I saw him interact with our nephews and I knew, at that moment, that everything in my life would be okay, as long as he was in it. I knew I had nothing to fear (especially when it comes to being a parent) as long as I had him by my side. He is definitely my better half, and I miss him every day. I love him unconditionally and I hope he knows it even if I don't always show it.

Being apart has been a gift and a curse at the same time. Obviously I am lonely, heartbroken, and depressed. After spending almost everyday with him for the past seven years, I feel lost and alone like I have never felt before. He is my best friend and without him, I feel like I can't breathe. On the other hand, it is the first time in my life that I am stepping out on my own. I have never been alone. Never. I went from living with my parents, to college with roommates, to being married. For the first time in my life, I have no one to use as my crutch and it scares the hell out of me. I have always depended on others to hold me up when I was feeling weak. To guide me when I was lost or to repair me when I was broken. For the first time ever, I have to do all of that on my own. Out of everything I have ever endured in my life, this experience (at least in the first 2 weeks) has given me the most strength.

I feel like I needed this, I needed to find myself, especially if I am going to be a mom. I need to know who I am as a person before I can help shape another life. Maybe this is all part of the master plan that God has for Drew and I, and I have been to negative and pissy to realize it.

I've never blogged before, so hopefully I didn't break any unwritten blogging rules. I'm not trying to explain or justify anything to anyone, I just feel like I needed to get some things off of my chest.