So in the wake of my constant bitching, I think its time for some happiness.
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER TOMORROW! I pre-ordered it on amazon ob Blu ray and it was only 20 bucks for the extended blu ray, standard disc, AND a digital copy - pretty freaking awesome!
In other news, I am heading home in a week. I can't wait to see Drew. I know that i'll only be home for four days but it's been almost a month since I've seen my hub - which sucks big time. BUT only 107 days until I'm home for good :)
I got a ton of work done on my thesis today which was nice - makes it feel so real. I can't believe I'm graduating in less than 4 months. Weird. I also finish classes for spring semester in less than 2 weeks. good thing I did so much work in the beginning of the semester - make this time seem so much easier.
Well, I am heading to bed, yay for work tomorrow -
Thanks for reading. Love you.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Seriously? Why can't I be taken seriously?
Okay, so I know I'm not an expert, I understand that I am a student. However, in less than 4 months I will be receiving my Master's degree in PSYCHOLOGY, which means that I will be qualified to give an opinion. A professional opinion at that. Why then, is it that when I say something about a psychological issue, people do not take me seriously or assume I do not know what I am talking about. What do they think I do all day, sit in a classroom with my thumb up my ass. No. Actually, I work like a dog. I kill myself in the classroom so that I can give a professional opinion. Hell, I put myself through grad school is 11 months. HELLO - I think that warrants a little respect - hell I think that warren's a LOT of respect. Obviously I am doing something right. I know that I don't have a ton of life experience, and I am well aware that what happens in a textbook doesn't always happen in real life, however, I am pretty sure that as a soon to be Master's graduate, one can at least take my opinion with a little weight.
Sorry to vent, but I feel like I can't even vent without someone interrupting or questioning how I am feeling...
*sigh* I feel better now, so hopefully I will actually be able to sleep tonight. Oh and I am super excited to get the new Harry Potter dvd Friday. Hello awesome weekend.
Thanks for reading. I know that if you are actually reading the shit I write, you must care about me. Either that or you are a creepy stalker with the screen name 'Watchmewatchu' Maybe you will understand that reference - if not just ask.
Sorry to vent, but I feel like I can't even vent without someone interrupting or questioning how I am feeling...
*sigh* I feel better now, so hopefully I will actually be able to sleep tonight. Oh and I am super excited to get the new Harry Potter dvd Friday. Hello awesome weekend.
Thanks for reading. I know that if you are actually reading the shit I write, you must care about me. Either that or you are a creepy stalker with the screen name 'Watchmewatchu' Maybe you will understand that reference - if not just ask.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Unbroken feelings of brokenness
I know that I shouldn't sit here and pity, but considering the circumstances, maybe letting it out is exactly what I need. I know that I am lucky. I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, a great education, a mom and dad who love me, wonderful siblings who I admire and adore, a merciful God, and I know exactly what I want in life. But sometimes, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I grew up in a troubled family to say the least. I still have a troubled family, but at least now I can walk away from all of the drama. I've always had issues with my self esteem and image and to this day can't truly love myself. I finally found complete happiness in love, and due to this shitty economy, my husband had to move 1200 miles away to get us through. I feel like I've been beaten and bruised and every time I get my hopes up for a brighter, less chaotic future, something happens and I become even more broken.
Sometimes this brokenness is so much I can barely take it and I end up depressed and in agony. Other times, I seem to thrive on being broken and knowing I can rise from the ashes to be a better person.
Lately, the one thing that has been getting me through is the idea of becoming a mom. I have a lot in my life, and I am very proud of my accomplishments, especially my education and career goals. I want to become a psychologist, I want to help people, I've always known it. But the one thing I want more than anything in life is to be a mom. I feel like I have become so robotic in my daily activities that everything I am accomplishing is meaningless unless I have a family to share it with. I feel like I can have everything, money, a great job, education, etc, but the only thing I want is to have a family with Drew.
I know he will eventually be an amazing dad. He is the best, more selfless person I have ever know. Every day I thank God for blessing me with someone who cares so much for other people. In the last seven years, I have watched Drew grow into an amazing man. Sometimes, I don't even think he knows how wonderful he truly is. I see the way other people look at him, look up to him, and he is so humble, he doesn't even notice. His compassion and love is overwhelming and untouched. I have never met someone who loves so deeply, so purely, and never expects anything in return, not even from me. When we were home last, I saw him interact with our nephews and I knew, at that moment, that everything in my life would be okay, as long as he was in it. I knew I had nothing to fear (especially when it comes to being a parent) as long as I had him by my side. He is definitely my better half, and I miss him every day. I love him unconditionally and I hope he knows it even if I don't always show it.
Being apart has been a gift and a curse at the same time. Obviously I am lonely, heartbroken, and depressed. After spending almost everyday with him for the past seven years, I feel lost and alone like I have never felt before. He is my best friend and without him, I feel like I can't breathe. On the other hand, it is the first time in my life that I am stepping out on my own. I have never been alone. Never. I went from living with my parents, to college with roommates, to being married. For the first time in my life, I have no one to use as my crutch and it scares the hell out of me. I have always depended on others to hold me up when I was feeling weak. To guide me when I was lost or to repair me when I was broken. For the first time ever, I have to do all of that on my own. Out of everything I have ever endured in my life, this experience (at least in the first 2 weeks) has given me the most strength.
I feel like I needed this, I needed to find myself, especially if I am going to be a mom. I need to know who I am as a person before I can help shape another life. Maybe this is all part of the master plan that God has for Drew and I, and I have been to negative and pissy to realize it.
I've never blogged before, so hopefully I didn't break any unwritten blogging rules. I'm not trying to explain or justify anything to anyone, I just feel like I needed to get some things off of my chest.
Sometimes this brokenness is so much I can barely take it and I end up depressed and in agony. Other times, I seem to thrive on being broken and knowing I can rise from the ashes to be a better person.
Lately, the one thing that has been getting me through is the idea of becoming a mom. I have a lot in my life, and I am very proud of my accomplishments, especially my education and career goals. I want to become a psychologist, I want to help people, I've always known it. But the one thing I want more than anything in life is to be a mom. I feel like I have become so robotic in my daily activities that everything I am accomplishing is meaningless unless I have a family to share it with. I feel like I can have everything, money, a great job, education, etc, but the only thing I want is to have a family with Drew.
I know he will eventually be an amazing dad. He is the best, more selfless person I have ever know. Every day I thank God for blessing me with someone who cares so much for other people. In the last seven years, I have watched Drew grow into an amazing man. Sometimes, I don't even think he knows how wonderful he truly is. I see the way other people look at him, look up to him, and he is so humble, he doesn't even notice. His compassion and love is overwhelming and untouched. I have never met someone who loves so deeply, so purely, and never expects anything in return, not even from me. When we were home last, I saw him interact with our nephews and I knew, at that moment, that everything in my life would be okay, as long as he was in it. I knew I had nothing to fear (especially when it comes to being a parent) as long as I had him by my side. He is definitely my better half, and I miss him every day. I love him unconditionally and I hope he knows it even if I don't always show it.
Being apart has been a gift and a curse at the same time. Obviously I am lonely, heartbroken, and depressed. After spending almost everyday with him for the past seven years, I feel lost and alone like I have never felt before. He is my best friend and without him, I feel like I can't breathe. On the other hand, it is the first time in my life that I am stepping out on my own. I have never been alone. Never. I went from living with my parents, to college with roommates, to being married. For the first time in my life, I have no one to use as my crutch and it scares the hell out of me. I have always depended on others to hold me up when I was feeling weak. To guide me when I was lost or to repair me when I was broken. For the first time ever, I have to do all of that on my own. Out of everything I have ever endured in my life, this experience (at least in the first 2 weeks) has given me the most strength.
I feel like I needed this, I needed to find myself, especially if I am going to be a mom. I need to know who I am as a person before I can help shape another life. Maybe this is all part of the master plan that God has for Drew and I, and I have been to negative and pissy to realize it.
I've never blogged before, so hopefully I didn't break any unwritten blogging rules. I'm not trying to explain or justify anything to anyone, I just feel like I needed to get some things off of my chest.
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