Bucket List

I was reading a good friend of mine's blog and I saw that she created a bucket list (thanks Katie). I've seen the movie, I've mentioned a bucket list before, but I have never actually thought about what would be on my bucket list. I love to travel so I think that most of my bucket list items are going to be along those lines, but I have a few others that surprised me. What do you guys think?

1. Go to Rome - I love art and architecture. I want to see the coliseum, the aqueducts, Constantine's Arch, St. Peter's church, and every sculpture possible.
   
2. Visit Drew's family in Finland
3. Visit my great-grandparent's graves in Ireland and have a drink at an Irish pub for my grandfather.
   
4. Visit a site where a genocide took place (Poland, Rwanda, Cambodia, etc.) Not for any creepy reasons, I just want to pay my respects and hopefully understand that when I look at my life in perspective, I am so small.
   
5. Spend a month in a Spanish speaking country without a translator.
   
6. Learn Finnish
7. Write a novel and try to get it published
8. Travel to any spot in England which inspired JK Rowling to write Harry Potter
9. Read the great Russian and Czech classics
10. Travel across Europe with Drew and our kids so we all learn to appreciate other cultures.
11. Start a non-profit organization for veterans
12. Run a half marathon (come on, even in the best shape I still suck at running)
    
13. Take Drew to Alaska
14. Spend a week in Colorado (re)learning to ski
15. Play in a Women's Hockey league
16. Get into photography
17. Learn to love myself
18. Stop living for me and start living for God.
    

That is what I have so far, I am sure there are others out there.
-JS

I want to be a mom

I know it sounds crazy. Every time someone asked me when Drew and I are having kids, I have always said like 3 to 6 years. Well, it's been 7 years since we started dating, engaged or married for 5. I have always been so focused on school and my career goals, but all of a sudden it hit me. I don't want to be just a student, or just a therapist. Really, I don't want to be anything more than I want to be a mom. And even more than that, I can't imaging being anything more than the loving woman who gets to tell Drew he is going to be a dad.

Sometimes I think about how amazing my dad was. My real father has pretty much done nothing for me my entire life. But my dad more than made up for that. I don't think I would be here without him. He has made me the person that I am, and I love him so much for that. I know that Drew will be just as loving, just as amazing, and loved just as much as my dad.

Drew has given up or sacrificed everything to make sure my dreams come true. Hell, we are 1200 miles apart just so I could be at this program, a once in a lifetime opportunity for me. He has never asked me for anything, never asked me to sacrifice anything for him. I have never had to do anything other than be a student and a wife. But I know that Drew wants a baby, I see it, and I can feel it. I hear the excitement in his voice when we talk about it, and the love in his eyes when he plays with our nephews. I feel like it's time for me to give him something. To really make us a family. To give him everything he has ever wanted.

I want to be a therapist, and for the past 7 years, that is all I have ever wanted. But right now, in this moment, it doesn't seem to mean as much to me. When I close my eyes and think of everything I want, all of my dreams coming true, I see Drew playing ball with our son, and I see him building a doll house for our daughter. I see him shine, literally shine, every time he gets home from work and our kids run to greet him and give him a hug. Right now, it is like nothing else matters. I will complete this degree because I am so close, and I know deep down I want it and need it, but then, I am going to be a mom.

Nothing important to read - but it's positive!

So in the wake of my constant bitching, I think its time for some happiness.

I AM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW HARRY POTTER TOMORROW! I pre-ordered it on amazon ob Blu ray and it was only 20 bucks for the extended blu ray, standard disc, AND a digital copy - pretty freaking awesome!

In other news, I am heading home in a week. I can't wait to see Drew. I know that i'll only be home for four days but it's been almost a month since I've seen my hub - which sucks big time. BUT only 107 days until I'm home for good :)

I got a ton of work done on my thesis today which was nice - makes it feel so real. I can't believe I'm graduating in less than 4 months. Weird. I also finish classes for spring semester in less than 2 weeks. good thing I did so much work in the beginning of the semester - make this time seem so much easier.

Well, I am heading to bed, yay for work tomorrow -

Thanks for reading. Love you.

Seriously? Why can't I be taken seriously?

Okay, so I know I'm not an expert, I understand that I am a student. However, in less than 4 months I will be receiving my Master's degree in PSYCHOLOGY, which means that I will be qualified to give an opinion. A professional opinion at that. Why then, is it that when I say something about a psychological issue, people do not take me seriously or assume I do not know what I am talking about. What do they think I do all day, sit in a classroom with my thumb up my ass. No. Actually, I work like a dog. I kill myself in the classroom so that I can give a professional opinion. Hell, I put myself through grad school is 11 months. HELLO - I think that warrants a little respect - hell I think that warren's a LOT of respect. Obviously I am doing something right. I know that I don't have a ton of life experience, and I am well aware that what happens in a textbook doesn't always happen in real life, however, I am pretty sure that as a soon to be Master's graduate, one can at least take my opinion with a little weight.

Sorry to vent, but I feel like I can't even vent without someone interrupting or questioning how I am feeling...

*sigh* I feel better now, so hopefully I will actually be able to sleep tonight. Oh and I am super excited to get the new Harry Potter dvd Friday. Hello awesome weekend.

Thanks for reading. I know that if you are actually reading the shit I write, you must care about me. Either that or you are a creepy stalker with the screen name 'Watchmewatchu' Maybe you will understand that reference - if not just ask.

Unbroken feelings of brokenness

I know that I shouldn't sit here and pity, but considering the circumstances, maybe letting it out is exactly what I need. I know that I am lucky. I have an amazing husband, wonderful friends, a great education, a mom and dad who love me, wonderful siblings who I admire and adore, a merciful God, and I know exactly what I want in life. But sometimes, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I grew up in a troubled family to say the least. I still have a troubled family, but at least now I can walk away from all of the drama. I've always had issues with my self esteem and image and to this day can't truly love myself. I finally found complete happiness in love, and due to this shitty economy, my husband had to move 1200 miles away to get us through. I feel like I've been beaten and bruised and every time I get my hopes up for a brighter, less chaotic future, something happens and I become even more broken.

Sometimes this brokenness is so much I can barely take it and I end up depressed and in agony. Other times, I seem to thrive on being broken and knowing I can rise from the ashes to be a better person.

Lately, the one thing that has been getting me through is the idea of becoming a mom. I have a lot in my life, and I am very proud of my accomplishments, especially my education and career goals. I want to become a psychologist, I want to help people, I've always known it. But the one thing I want more than anything in life is to be a mom. I feel like I have become so robotic in my daily activities that everything I am accomplishing is meaningless unless I have a family to share it with. I feel like I can have everything, money, a great job, education, etc, but the only thing I want is to have a family with Drew.

I know he will eventually be an amazing dad. He is the best, more selfless person I have ever know. Every day I thank God for blessing me with someone who cares so much for other people. In the last seven years, I have watched Drew grow into an amazing man. Sometimes, I don't even think he knows how wonderful he truly is. I see the way other people look at him, look up to him, and he is so humble, he doesn't even notice. His compassion and love is overwhelming and untouched. I have never met someone who loves so deeply, so purely, and never expects anything in return, not even from me. When we were home last, I saw him interact with our nephews and I knew, at that moment, that everything in my life would be okay, as long as he was in it. I knew I had nothing to fear (especially when it comes to being a parent) as long as I had him by my side. He is definitely my better half, and I miss him every day. I love him unconditionally and I hope he knows it even if I don't always show it.

Being apart has been a gift and a curse at the same time. Obviously I am lonely, heartbroken, and depressed. After spending almost everyday with him for the past seven years, I feel lost and alone like I have never felt before. He is my best friend and without him, I feel like I can't breathe. On the other hand, it is the first time in my life that I am stepping out on my own. I have never been alone. Never. I went from living with my parents, to college with roommates, to being married. For the first time in my life, I have no one to use as my crutch and it scares the hell out of me. I have always depended on others to hold me up when I was feeling weak. To guide me when I was lost or to repair me when I was broken. For the first time ever, I have to do all of that on my own. Out of everything I have ever endured in my life, this experience (at least in the first 2 weeks) has given me the most strength.

I feel like I needed this, I needed to find myself, especially if I am going to be a mom. I need to know who I am as a person before I can help shape another life. Maybe this is all part of the master plan that God has for Drew and I, and I have been to negative and pissy to realize it.

I've never blogged before, so hopefully I didn't break any unwritten blogging rules. I'm not trying to explain or justify anything to anyone, I just feel like I needed to get some things off of my chest.